My name is Jennifer....and I am young, 38yrs young. I have been addicted to nicotine since I was 15 (I think, maybe younger). I have spent more time in my life smoking than not. Well, I don't feel young. I feel old and tired and unhealthy. I am a wife, a mother and a nurse. I know how to tell others how to chose the right things to be healthy but I've never listened to myself. I always told myself I would smoke until I was 30 and needed to be a grownup, Obviously that didn't happen. I've helped care for my strong bear of a father as he withered and died slowly of cancer, that didn't make me stop. I have 2 children who have suffered miserably with asthma. That hasn't done it. Nothing really has. I didn't think I could. Oh, I've tried before and made it for varying lengths of time but I never changed my addict behavior or thinking until now.
I had my last cigarette at around 11:30pm 6/22/2010, I'm now on day 5 of being nicotine free! Had the flu last week and had a night that I could....not....breathe. Scared me silly. Had me wondering honestly what on earth my lungs must look like. Enough, I have had enough of my life controlled by the constant planning for the "next one". Always planning to be ready 10 minutes early so I'd have time to run out for one before leaving with my kids. I always gave myself credit for not smoking in my house or in my car with my kids, but they have seen me smoke out on my deck their whole lives. "Mom, when are you coming in? Can I have lunch? We've been waiting and waiting" "Mom, when are you coming in? I'm so tired, I want you to put me to bed" . My answer was always "5 minutes, have some patience please!" Really? So ashamed of that.
Driving alone in my car was my favorite smoking place. Hardest part so far of quitting, until I got in it on day 4 and could SMELL it! Gross. Is that what people were smelling when they rode in my car? Went to a party last night where my husband and some of my closest friends sat around and chain smoked and I didn't have one! I'm not going to let nicotine win, it isn't a part of me. I cry a lot. I've been reading other posts and find myself in bits and pieces of all of them and cry. But, I am stronger today than I was on day one and I love that feeling. I am not allowing myself to live in denial anymore. I am an addict and I will die if I have another puff. It wouldn't be just one, it would be one of thousands more!
I know this post is probably a ramble, honestly my mind is a ramble right now- so I guess it's fitting. Getting a little clearer every day.
Thank you for this site. The information I have gotten over the past few days is priceless to me. I am honored to be here.