Hello! I'm Lucie and I have been reading and learning for several weeks, I finally took the plunge and vowed to never take another puff, 15, nearly 16 days ago and I cannot believe I have got this far!! You see, I am a closet smoker - Oh my goodness you don't know how good it feels to actually admit that, I've read several threads which have shown me that I am not alone which has helped so much. Everyone's attempt to keep it secret is the same and I am no different, the showers, long walks and oh boy the excuses to be alone.
Ok so me!! I'm 44 started when I was around 17 and I've no idea why, my parents hated smoking which is where the first step of keeping it secret kicked in, I met and married my wonderful husband when I was 21 he has never smoked but I didn't keep my addiction a secret, however I did try to quit, failed and didn't own up so there started years of me smoking a bit in front on him, and hiding most of it. So he knew I smoked with certain friends but didn't know the extent to which I smoked when he wasn't there. I did quit for about 9 months but talked myself into having one and hey presto the rest is history.
I have 3 children from whom I always hid my habit, they are now 20, 18 and 15 so its got considerably harder to hide my nasty nasty addiction. I know, they know that I sneak off, how can you hide it from them?? they're not stupid!! but I could not let them see their mum "having a smoke". I got so sneaky, I could smoke 4 to 5 cigarettes in such a short time, oh some of the things I did, it is so embarassing, I felt humilated and stupid but still could not stop.
So my quit - its you guys who have helped me, you see my problem is that because I smoke in secret, I am quitting in secret too, I have reached nearly 16 days and can share this with no one, when I have felt weak I have turned to you, here at Freedom and now I am so so scared that I may slip and go up to the shop, pick up a packet and hey who will know?? you wonderful people here will know but more importantly, I will know.
The last 2 weeks have been wonderful, I am free!! yes free from nicotine but the best part is that I am free from sneaking around from everyone - I'm 44 years old for goodness sake!!!! I feel like I am in control of my life at last.
This weekend has been one of my biggest challenges, please bear in mind that every time I am on my own or there is even a chance that I can be on my own, my "I can have a smoke" alarm kicks in. My hubby is working all this weekend and therefore I can freely smoke without the worry of "getting caught" although it must be understood that my husband is a wonderful man who does not judge, has helped me to quit in the past, I just feel such a failure and a "horrible person" if I admit to the amount I have smoked behind his back. Here I am on Sunday evening and have not even been tempted, I am so so determined to stay free. I have read so much on this site and carry a small notebook with details of why I want to quit for good this time. I also felt the support of you all, even from the sidelines and really need to be able to say what a difference to my life you have made.
I have read many threads about closet smokers, so many stories rang true with my own situation, the one I do remember is how exiting it can feel to realise you will have the house to yourself and then remember - it doesn't matter, as I don't smoke.
I am a lucky lucky lady, I have a husband who I adore and also loves me to bits, (even after 22 years ) I have 3 beautiful girls and I want to be here to grow old with my man, be at my girls' weddings, see my grandchildren and so on and so on - I have the chance and boy am I going to take it and at the risk of repeating myself again.... I could never ever ever have got this far without everyone on this site - thank you doesn't even begin to cover it!!
You're all Brill