I need help – My story.
For several reasons, I decided I needed (not wanted at this point) to quit smoking. I found the whyquit site and read almost every post, viewed all videos etc. This was end of Nov 2010.
This is my first true attempt at quitting.
While I got the addiction issue I was sure I could not do it alone, so I enlisted the help of hypnosis. I knew many people who used it and walked away never wanting a cigarette.
On Dec 3, 2010, I went for hypnosis – this was my first “try” to give up smoking. When I left, I wanted to smoke, the desire did not go away but after paying $450 (this was the first of 4 sessions), I was determined not to smoke.
By the end of the day while I had cravings (was drinking cranberry all day ) it was “doable” but my mind kept talking to me telling me I needed to smoke.
I had saved one cigarette for “just in case”
I took a hit from the cigarette and went to bed.
The next day I had to be with my son somewhere so I knew I could not smoke. However, as I waited for him all I thought about was smoking and how only smoking x cigarettes per day was not harmful and doable. I kept thinking I wish I could be one of those to have only a few per day and tried to put on paper, the times I could smoke to limit my addiction. In my mind, I had to do something to be able to continue to smoke.
I came home finished the cigarette from the night before and went to bed.
By Sunday (12/5) I bought a pack, only smoked two but was upset that hypnotherapy had failed me but I was determined not to give up
The next days, Dec 6, 7 8th I did not smoke. I became incapable of functioning (Looking back now I think I made it more then it was)
Iwas in a mind fog. I forgot to pay my mortgage, which I have never done. I could not even do day to day things but did what I HAD to as I do have 2 children so staying in bed was not an option. I made it through the 3 days –
– Then Dec 4th, something called my name. I took a puff, it tasted awful and I thought I was cured, but my mind opened again – I could think clearly, now (in my mind) was not the time to quit.
The next day I went back to hypotherapy (this was session 2) hoping again it would help. Maybe I needed more sessions, by the time I got home I was smoking again. I decided I needed to get through the holidays and then would quit. I did manage to cut down and limit the cigarettes I smoked, realizing many were habit ones and automatic ones, not cravings. In this period I also tried to change my habits more still smoking. For example, wait when I got up. I stopped smoking after meals.
I again began my quest Dec 29th, went until Dec 31st and smoked only 2.
I finally realized it is now or never. If I go back I do not know when I would quit again or have the desire or strength.
I am now smoke free since Jan 3, 2010 at 6:40 pm. The 72 pd, while challenging at time, is so doable. Even as a smoker, there were occasions I could go hours without wanting a cigarette/
My mind is what is me. In my rationalization and looking at threads and the whole smoking for life vs withdrawl, having one –now, withdrawl doesn’t look so bad.
But I have been at it for 6 days now, and do not want to throw away over even a puff as good as my junkie mind says so.
I try to rationalize all day why it would be ok to have one, came back to this site and researched again the relapse prevention, and several other sites but I am finding life so hard today. The more I read, the more I want one.
Then I do more research online (other sites) – read about a new medicine NicVax and my junkie thinking says wait for it and then I will quit (that may not be available if all goes well until next yr)
I find the more I think about it the more I want to smoke and try not to think about it but can’t (Read fixating too).
I am so ambivalent about smoking, when I don’t I want and need to, when I do, I hate it. Up until recently, I closed my mind to the health dangers, now I am also paranoid about it and not necessarily lung cancer but the other crippling diseases. Again I rationalize maybe its too late. (I am only 41)
I know it is suppose to be easier but right now before I relapse I need some words of wisdom. I know my body is healing and getting back to normal but I have been smoking since my teens and have no idea what normal is and if this is it, I do not like it
Sorry so long winded needed to get this all off chest, thanks for listening.
At the end of today, I will be one week. Still not any easier for me mentally.