I'm Nina. 26 yrs old- smoked 8/day for 10 years. I never knew I smoked for that long until last week. I cried when I added it up.
I quit 8 days ago. I am feeling great. I have been embracing my craves. A few of them frustrated me, but this "All or nothing" Concept of relapsing has got me straight!
I am so proud I made it here. A few weeks before my actual quit I was aggravated between stopping on and off. I couldn't go more than a day. I was frustrated, lost, disappointed, excited about quitting then sad about how those cravings felt and how quick I ran to get cigs. I was a huge lurker on here- pretty hard to go smoke after you've been enlightened and encouraged to open your eyes.
I had quit 4 or 5 times before. Longest was 20 months when I got pregnant. I also did Cold laser therapy and that was my second longest- 4 months!
The difference between this recovery and previous quits was Truth, Knowledge and Post-quit guilt.
Before, my quits were done for someone or because I wanted to try challenging myself but deep down knowing I'd definitely go back. I had always thought, there would be that one day or that one time I'd still go back with my previous quits. But this time... I don't want to go back. I will never go back.
Smoking was stressful for me, I realised that a few weeks ago. I was a closet smoker (hubby didn't know) I have to take care of my 4 children under 2, be a homemaker and an online business owner including having a terrible tilted pelvis with a twisted tailbone pinching my nerves all day. There were entitlements to my addiction- It was OK to smoke, "it calmed my nerves" or so I thought because it never actually did.
It's just like saying Eating calms my nerves, no it doesn't you are angry because you're hungry and when you eat you satisfy your hunger and you get that 'aah' feeling. So saying 'smoking' relaxes me is jumping to conclusions and generalising.
It just gave me something to look forward to when I wanted to runaway. It could've been a nice bubble bath, A chocolate Bar or Some Fresh air or other pleasure BUT NO.
I couldn't breathe well anymore, had to use my inhaler before smoking. I have always had respiratory problems before smoking even.
I had nicotine chatter loud in my head 24/7- everything I did was based on my addiction. I didn't go out because I can't smoke w/ the kids there and most of the time hubby is there. My aim was to get Hubby out the house so I can smoke- so my life rotated around when I can get my fix- which caused aggravation, nervousness and anxiety all day and most of the time hostility towards him being around. There was some excitement about doing something secret (scorpios cant help it) but it got boring after a while and I fessed up in hopes of him supporting me.
Everytime I smoked, I ran to the bathroom, to wash my face and hands, brush my teeth, mouthwash, perfume and lotion. I would drink coffee and eat something to mask it up. Gum was my best friend.
It was TOO MUCH work.
Anything I smoked with on was tossed into laundry.
I actually disliked the smell of smoke.
I would look at myself in the mirror and magnifier and note the pores, discolorations, wrinkle around my mouth. The faint light brown deposits around my teeth and on the inside. Invest in a mouth mirror, you'll be surprised.
The dark circles around my eyes got worse, my eyes weren't clear- I looked like I was on something else other than Nicotine most of the time.
It came to me when one day my back pain got so severe I could not walk. My children needed me and all I could do was drag one leg and crawl with the other, and found it difficult to even do that. I cried hysterically that I could not get up and said who'll see to my babies?! who'll take care of them?!
Luckily my hubby was there, comforted me and I had then realized it could be like that any day now if I continue smoking.
Eventhough we all know Smoking is 'bad' It doesn't really hit you that it is until you've known what helpless feels like.
And now thinking with a non junkie mind, it makes no sense to me how I enjoyed charring my insides, burning my self, commiting suicide slowly....I love my children too much to not be there for them. And I started to love myself as well. This last time quitting for me means a lot of things.
It will change and has changed so many things.
I haven't read anywhere about this, But has anyone ever started feeling guilty and terrible even angry in disbelief that they even started smoking? I had watched those anti-smoking commercials FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and I got really angry and offended- I felt I betrayed my self and my body - didn't SEE what I was doing to myself being under the influence of Nicotine.
I have no desire to smoke cigarettes. I have a desire for that 'aaah' feeling but I don't want to smoke. It scares me. I know I can always go back- But how can I when I KNOW that I'll be throwing myself into a torpedo? And I won't be coming out alive. I'm not afraid of death- I'm afraid of slowly dying. Or being tortured to death.
No need to worry, this is a no brainer- no matter what happens I will Never take another Puff!