After 22 years of smoking, I have finally found freedom. I won't say I haven't tried before, I have quit numerous times only to go back to the vicious cycle. But this quit is different. I have NEVER been as convinced as I am today that I WILL NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF--EVER! I feel the difference. And I know the truth. For years I had excuses. For years I said it won't happen to me, I won't get sick from it. And for years I didn't think about the daily damage I was doing to myself. But it was on a day I was with my BFF and we had gone to her doctor's appointment where she had to have an endoscopy because she had abdominal pain that I panicked. I saw all these people around me having procedures done to check what's wrong with them- some intrusive and painful- and I told my BFF I didn't want to end up there or anywhere where they would be poking and prodding me. And I told her we needed to quit smoking or we'd end up from doctor to doctor in ten years. She agreed. But I was determined. When she dropped me off we had a cigarette and that was the last one I smoked. May 10, 2011 at around 2 p.m. And every day since I have smiled that I was a step further from that last puff.
But I knew I would be facing my evil when my husband realized I'd quit. See, for almost 9 years, "our" time was spent outside in the patio, driveway, or porch smoking. We even had tv's in the garage so we can smoke while a show we watch is on (we recently moved and have not done that to this house). He smokes about 1 1/2 packs a day, where I was only smoking about 1/2. But sometimes I would smoke more. Anyway, back to my evil, the many times I tried quitting in the past few years I would start back up because my marriage would be at risk. Everything was always my fault and I was to blame since I was "cranky from not having a smoke." Within the first month we would get into a big fight where it was either divorce or smoke. For many reasons (which I am not going to go into now) I opted for the latter. This time I told everyone but him. Eventually he would see it and hopefully he would let it go. The second day I hadn't smoked with him he made a comment about how "fun it would be around me now that I'm not smoking." I told him he was never very supportive and I didn't understand it and all he said was "you know how cranky you get" and all I wanted to say was "no! it's how cranky YOU get!" But determined to not start a fight, I kept my mouth shut and let it go. That night we were talking about something and I disagreed and he got all upset with me and I wouldn't fight back. He is not one to argue by himself. So he kept pushing my buttons until I'd break but I did not. (This whole time I never had the urge to smoke!!!) But before you know it he is telling me to "just have a cigarette." I got up and said that it was not going to happen and that he needed to get used to it and walked away. He was furious (kicking and slamming the door and calling me names). I locked myself up in my office and he went to bed by himself. Luckily my dad is living with us (free from nicotine for almost 30 years! Cold turkey!) and he was able to calm him down enough to leave me alone (how sad but yes, I'm in a bit of an abusive relationship and right now I'm kind of stuck). The next day I went about the same facade and acted as if nothing happened (so did he) and my quit was never brought up again! But I was determined to not let any stressful moment keep me from my choice of wanting to free myself of nicotine and smoking forever! I was tired of being a slave to the cigarette. Our world (and his still) revolves around smoking. The many nights I couldn't put my kids to bed when it was time because we had just gone out to smoke so they would go to bed by themselves, or watch movies by themselves because we were "outside." Not because we like it outside, but because that's where we can smoke. Well, not me anymore. I still go out with him while he smokes but only when duty calls. And I hate the way he smells, the way the smoke lingers around him (and me) and how he is still so controlled by the habit. He is unwilling to accept the deadly risks of smoking and I am done trying to convince him. In the end, I need to be healthy and strong for my kids. And I plan on being around for a very long time!
In the past two years, an aunt and an uncle have died of lung cancer and another uncle was diagnosed with emphysema. All smokers. I'm hoping that the damage done to me is reparable, and that I can detox my body and rid it of all possible threats. My worst fear is that a month (or six) from now I will have some ache or pain and boom! cancer will be detected. An ex-coworker (and smoker) was just diagnosed with a malignant tumor which was removed. I just don't want that to be me! And I don't want my kids to ever start smoking! My mom caught me smoking when I was 16 and all she did was take the cigarette away from me and smoke it as she yelled that I'm too young to smoke! But not that it's dangerous and that it will kill me. I won't make that mistake with my own kids. They know and they hate it and they are so supportive of my quit! And they are only 9 and 10!
I'm a happier person now, more relaxed and proud that I have gotten this far with but ONE urge for which I used the 4 D's (distract, delay, drink water, deep breaths). I am a non-smoker and an advocate for quitting! I have convinced three friends (of which one has already quit) that it's time to quit. I will continue to spread the word to as many as will listen and pass on any good information that I read. Cigarettes should be banned! There are less toxic things that are banned, why not cigarettes!?!?!?! It is not a joke, smoking WILL kill you, and you'll never know when!
To never taking another puff!!!!!