Dear Roger and JoeJFree,

Thank you both for your amazing posts to me. Roger, can you believe that when I woke up this morning, the words that were running through my head were: "Yes I can if I think I can." That has stuck with me from prior readings of your posts to other people and then I get online to see that you have sent it to me also. How cool is that!!! I have to agree that, while having to face being an addict is a VERY difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around, it is in itself "fuel for my fire to keep my resolve to remain nicotine free." This is one example of the positive power of anger. I am grief-stricken and sad about having to face the addict in me, but I am also angry enough about it to want to do something about it.

I experienced a very encouraging sense of hope after reading: "In the beginning of a quit, it can be a challenge to remain focused due to so much change taking place. Accept that change for what it is. See it as a positive healing process and not a negative by product resulting from nicotine withdrawal. The changes you are experiencing emotionally and physically are good. Always try to keep in the front of your mind the following truth. That truth is, What you are experiencing as you withdraw physically and psychologically from nicotine is just temporary." Thank you for those important insights.

JoeJFree, thank you for the picture you added to your post to me. I previously saw it and at the time, just like this morning, it did so much to remind me why I do not want to return to a life of constant nicotine feedings. There is nothing appealing about that way of life and that picture is worth even more than a thousand words on this subject. I received a lot of encouragement after reading "Disconnect the cycle - only have to do it Once - I realized at the beginning it was all that was necessary to break the shackle of addiction that for so long, nearly all my life had entrapped me. Simply remove the step of the process between Generate Crave and Inhale New Nicotine." This is exactly how I see my goal of quitting and remaining nicotine free; thank you so much for sharing that with me.

I do not know how to continue on with my diary as a separate post so I am going to do so at this point. Hardly seven hours have passed since I first posted and yet there has been important growth.

I re-read the article, "Depression - normal or real organic?" and it gave me some important insights this morning. I think one of the reasons I am in such conflict about recognizing the addict in me is because stopping smoking has brought me back in time, emotionally and mentally, to who I was BEFORE I got addicted to nicotine. At that time in my life I was living in Washington Heights in New York City, an area which had become (and still is) drug-infested. My 17-year-old brother was living on the streets as a heroin addict and a lot of my childhood friends were being sucked into the world of illegal drugs that surrounded them. Partially because of my own resolve to not get involved in illegal drugs and partially because of my brother's threat of death to anyone who tried to sell illegal drugs to me or get me involved with illegal drugs, I remained illegal drug-free. I saw the devastation of addiction as friends were incarcerated as a result of illegal-drug related crimes, or died of drug overdoses (including my step-brother at the age of 21), and I watched my brother move from heroin to cocaine to alcohol addictions, all of which he eventually overcame. (It's interesting that he only recently stopped smoking, after a 40-year habit.) So here I am, 15 years old emotionally, in SHOCK that I am an addict. While I accept that I am an addict, I am devastated to have to do so. Now I understand a big part of why I have such grief and sadness about it.

Also, when I woke up this morning, for the first time in about four days I have not woken up to intense nicotine craves. I don't know if it is a timing thing related to my quit or if it is a result of joining this community and finding support? Perhaps it is a combination of both. In any event, it felt good to wake up without intense craves; it gives me hope for the future.

Today is amazingly day 10 and I have remained nicotine free!!! I am in such awe of this truth!! I am so grateful to be able to say that I am nicotine free for ten days now. Each new day that dawns is like Christmas. I awake to yet another priceless gift!!!

For the sake of being able to find encouragement down the road, I want to record here some of the many positive results of being nicotine free for ten days:

- I am experiencing feelings for what they are and not stuffed down by nicotine. It feels good to be angry or sad or happy or afraid, all the way through, and I am especially grateful for this precious gift.

- Two days ago I thought I was breaking out in a rash on my hands, only to later realize that the red color I was seeing on my skin was the result of rising oxygen levels in my blood. For years my hands have reminded me of my grandmother, who smoked for 55 years. Now I realize why. I watch as the rest of my body's skin returns to a peach color and it is quite amazing!!

- I am relieved to find real hope that I will no longer be the social outcast who has to constantly step outside for a nicotine feeding. I work in an office where I am the only smoker and, while everyone is very wonderful to me, the "line" between us has always been there, if only in my own mind's eye, and now I do not see it. Also, I have surrounded myself with non-smoking friends over the years, some of whom are ex-smokers themselves, and I am grateful that we no longer lack this common non-smoking lifestyle element.

-I am SO GLAD that I do not smoke in my car any more. My friend Pat gave me this car right before she died (without telling me she knew she was dying) and it is such a beautiful car. I have always hated smoking in it. Now I can have it cleaned and keep it smoke free and smelling and looking great. How wonderful!!!

-The circulation problems I was having in my feet are gone now and I can wake up in the morning and step away from my bed without any pain or disability. I never knew that I had circulation problems until I educated myself on WhyQuit.com and Freedom. Although I have not been formally diagnosed with circulation problems, I am quite sure I was suffering from them.

-I am grateful that I reduced my risk of heart attack by 50% in the first 24 hours of my quit. I remind myself that at this point I would double my risk of heart attack within 24 hours of returning to cigarette smoking. So there!!!

-I am grateful to WhyQuit.com to learn about the risk of "sudden death" and putting an end to my fatal game of Russian roulette.

Well, right now I have to deal with my household. The dog needs to be fed and then walked; I have to wake up my daughter so she can visit with her dad today. Oh, about the dog. She belonged to my friend, Pat, who died of bladder cancer last year. Her name is Annie and my friend named her after Little Orphan Annie because she was rescued as an injured stray puppy (five years ago). She was the light of my friend Pat's life and she is very dear to me, too, although her name is a constant reminder to me of the tragic consequences of nicotine addiction and cigarette smoking.

Thank you all for listening. Peace to everyone!!

Cathy