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Freedom from Nicotine - a cold turkey nicotine dependency recovery forum
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First Post - Diary
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Re: First Post - Diary
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NewLife011806
First Post - Diary
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Feb 7 06 3:15 PM
Today is my 20th day of being nicotine-free. Today is also a very sad day for me. It is the one year anniversary of the death of my dear friend, Pat, from bladder cancer. I am overwhelmed with grief today as I am confronted by this terrible reality that she truly is gone from the rest of my life. We were friends for 27 years; she was the first friend I made when I moved to Houston in 1978 and we saw each other through so many of life's challenges. In the end I was there for her as she was overcome by cancer that was caused by her 40-year, 4 pack per day nicotine addiction. Today I care for her dog, Annie, and her cat, Charlie. I drive her car and I sometimes where her clothes that she gave me many years ago. Her photograph smiles up at me on my dresser. I cannot forget her and I wish that she was not gone. I want to call her and ask how she is doing and share with her so many things that have happened in my life this past year. I want her to see the new house I bought weeks after she died last year. She told me then she was certain she was going to see my new home that I was closing on in less than three weeks at the time. She was dead one week after she said that. She slipped away so fast; there was no time for anything, in the end. She was just gone.
As time passed after her death and I struggled through the loss of her from my life, I realized how completely unnecessary her death really was. She was 65 years old and, except for the bladder cancer, was otherwise healthy. Based on her non-smoking parents' longevity she could have lived into her 90s or more, except for her smoking. The realities of a life lived addicted to nicotine became so blatant to me. The realities of the grief that is left behind became more than I could bear as I thought about my daughter and other friends and family members who love and care about me. I attempted a quit in July last year but did not understand NTAP so I did not succeed. As the first anniversary of her death began to get closer and closer and my grief over her loss ran deeper and deeper, I became determined to not be smoking by the one year anniversary of her death. This quit is a symbol of honoring myself and everyone who loves and cares about me. It is also my way of honoring my dear friend, Pat, every year on the anniversary of her death. After today my goal will be to remain nicotine-free by the second anniversary of her death and so on, for as long as God wills me to remain on this earth.
Thank you all for listening.
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