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Welcome to Freedo, cOldskool!
Almost double green......congrats!!image
You don't think I used the bargaining schtick of junkie thinking too? Oh, a number of times , in my relapse past and also in the early weeks of this quit I heard the chatter...it went something like this>>
""Maybe I could just have one with my coffee in the morning and then one after lunch, a mid-afternoon "treat", an after dinner one too and then a freebie cigarette for whatever "special " time comes up during the day. Keep it 5 or under per day...At least you won't be smoking as much.....ya, right! Maybe just 2 or 3 of the 100 mm. cigarettes then?.....how about a couple of menthols?"" Well this never worked for me in the past and I am too educated now to ever think it is going to work now...Within days I was back to my old level of smoking and the motivation to quit went up in a puff of smoke.....that was many many years ago...
We wouldn't be here in Whyquit/Freedom if we truly could "control" this addiction......Truth is we can't! What we can do is either feed it til it preys on us with a disease or premature death , or stay quit , and learn to live nicotine free...I do hope you realize that what is going on in your head is temporary and in no way indicates what a comfortable ex-smoker feels or thinks.....You say your desire deep down is "I really do want to quit"....You don't need to want this because the good news is you have already quit, for all the good reasons that brought you here in the first place...Always remember this decision to be nicotine free is your best chance to renew your life, and perhaps may be your only chance to save it... There is no nicotine in your body now that needs to be replaced , and it is your fixation on the aaaahh cigarette that perpetuates the chatter in your head...OK, so you want a smoke, it is ok to admit it, but knowing that the reality is all of them or none of them, are you prepared to have that puff "last" you for a day, a month a lifetime ? or will it set the ball rolling again to set up the surety of the roller coaster ride of replacing your nicotine levels every half hour or so....It is the smoker who always thinks about smoking>>>keeping the supplies up to date, planning where he can smoke, listening to the junkie in his head as to when the next fix has to take place ; allowing his junkie thinking to dictate how much he spends on this addiction and always in the back of his head, the nagging litle voice of reality that cuts through the fog of addiction and says, "some day you know you will have to quit" .Living like that doesn't sound liberating and comfortable! .. Have you ever said, you would quit "some day"?..When is "some day" anyhow?... ..Did you ever say , as I did, that you would quit when cigarettes got to $1. a pack? I did, and yet I didn't quit til they were over $7. a pack here in Canada..Does that sound like I was in control? .Most of us here have used most every excuse and justification in the book to carry on our addiction until we got educated...until we wanted the control back from this addiction...As I mentioned before ,
We cannot control this addiction when we are using...we can only control this addiction when we are not.....It sounds like your fears have imprisoned you with immobility.... This too is a choice you are making, in avoiding triggers or situations...You didn't get this far without confronting many triggers...How did you handle them up til now? Mantra? Breathing? Diversion? Crutches? Reading? Taking a shower? Going for a walk? Phoning a support friend? ..Taking a nap?
I smoked for 39 years... I was no stranger to punctuating every task, phone call, car ride, meal, sunset, campfire, social drink, party, outing, hike, baby shower, wedding, amorous actiivity, Christmas, Thanksgiving, family times, computer time, talk times, walk times, cry times, sigh times, tearful times, fearful times, or ANY TIME without a cigarette!!! But you know what? I want to keep on enjoying every one of the things I have mentioned above, by virtue of being there , without an oxygen tank or 'being there' in a photo on the mantle because I have died from a smoking-related disease....Nicotine did not make any of those activities enjoyable...They already were.....I was feeding an addiction and had habituated every thing in my life around my drug of choice...It is sad really, but I am over it, forgave myself and am walking in the newness of life of freedom from tobacco....and when you give it time, your desire will be to stay free as you embrace the comfort that will find you....Look at the time , effort, money and health you have given over to this addiction...Do you not owe it to yourself to give this your best effort and give yourself time to heal? Do you really believe you will feel better for smoking again? or are you implying you wish the tough times would hurry up and be done with? ..Be patient... Keep getting educated here, and take one day at a time ; see this addiction for what it does to you>>>destruction.....see Freedom for what it does for you>>construction of a life free free from nicotine....Use your quit tools to build it and you WILL dwell in its serenity..Thank you for turning to the forum, and not the drug.........Wise choice, better life...Never Take Another Puff!
Wendy ---image--free and healing for 6 months and 27 days...