Dunno what is going on today. . .
Slowly but surely I am starting to be able to resume my old study habits, which used to be really intertwined with smoking. Life went on after my quit and I had to, as well, which explained why I was up most of the night last night writing a paper, and got up early this morning to finish it up before it was due. All was well, mission accomplished, and actually I really didn't even care about wanting to smoke the whole time. I still get cravings, you know, but by and large I just don't feel like a smoker anymore.
Do you know how weird that is? I think I spent a lot of last month subconsciously reveling in my craves, because they were an umbilical cord to my smoking life and an excuse to indulge in lots of positive self-talk and (a much worse idea) food. Now I am sort of waking up to the fact that I'm really not a smoker anymore, and pretty soon I'm just going to be a chubby little non-smoker.
I haven't been a chubby little non-smoker since I was 16 years old. I wasn't very happy then. I know this stuff all is very dangerous in terms of undermining quits. At the moment, however, I am rigid in my belief that I may be sad now, but if I had a cigarette I'd be positively suicidal. And the truth is, I don't even want a cigarette.
I've been tired all through one quiz, and one lengthy presentation that I had to give during one of my five classes today, and I never once thought, gee, smoking would really help me. But I did think, many, many times. . .how come I don't even want a cigarette right now? What's wrong with me? All of the triggers are in place. . .where's my crave?
Maybe I'm just tired. All of this should be making me happy, right? I don't miss cigarettes, but I miss my identity as a smoker. How sick is that?
I have chosen not to smoke for 1 Month 21 Hours 6 Minutes 48 Seconds. Cigarettes not smoked: 462. Money saved: $115.52.