Been out of town for a couple of days. The last half of yesterday contained a steady stream of craves. I think it started when I was in the lab all day, and hadn't had any water the entire day. I'd started with a cup of coffee in the morning, and that and a donut was all I'd had to eat or drink until like 3:30 pm. I was dehydrated and hungry, and I got this familiar taste in my mouth as I got in my car for the drive home. Not a good taste, and one that was DEFINITELY associated with smoking. My guess is that because I would often get into that work groove in the past where food and drink took a back seat, that when my body ran low on supplies, I turned to cigarettes (associating all biological craves with the cigarette crave).
Anyhow, from that point until bedtime, I didn't feel like an ex-smoker creeping up on 2 weeks, but like a smoker who was denying his craves. I tried most of my crave/urges defenses I've learned here, but it was like there was 2 of me. The talkative, educated side of me speaking a long monologue of defenses, and the junky, who just really wasn't in the mood to hear. In fact, I felt like I was the junky, and the voice of the reasonable side sounded distant and far away.
At this point I realized that yesterday at least, the defenses and the celebrations of being nicotine free and all the joys that entails just weren't going to offer any comfort. And, I think that's what I was looking for. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to feel like the positive empowered person I've generally been since about day 6. But, it just wasn't going to happen. I heard the reasons, but they didn't sink past the outer levels of my reasoning.
SO, I resigned myself to the fact that yesterday wasn't going to be fun. Reached in the pocket, and pulled out the trump card -- "I ain't gonna smoke today," I said. Simple, effective. It doesn't matter that my junky mind is (for the moment) winning the debate over how good or bad cigarettes taste, and over how good or bad the experience of smoking is, my reasonable ex-smoker side has veto power. Since quitting, that side took custody of my wallet, hands and mouth. Without those 3 assets, the junky side has only the power to make me feel rotten; but not to relapse.
The reasonable side knew that "I ain't gonna smoke today" was the final word, and spoke it. End of debate. Like a parent to an unreasonable child throwing a tantrum, "BECAUSE I SAID SO!". So, the junky sulked for the rest of the night, screaming, and stomping and generally annoying me, but had no power to touch my quit.
Today (day 14) is better so far. Another wonderfully clear (if a bit cold for Santa Cruz) day. The bold child seems to have forgotten last night's tantrum, and has resumed playing by the rules. I celebrate "half-green" tonight.
Best to all,