Been out of town for a couple of days. The last half of yesterday contained a steady stream of craves. I think it started when I was in the lab all day,
and hadn't had any water the entire day. I'd started with a cup of coffee in the morning, and that and a donut was all I'd had to eat or drink
until like 3:30 pm. I was dehydrated and hungry, and I got this familiar taste in my mouth as I got in my car for the drive home. Not a good taste, and one
that was DEFINITELY associated with smoking. My guess is that because I would often get into that work groove in the past where food and drink took a back
seat, that when my body ran low on supplies, I turned to cigarettes (associating all biological craves with the cigarette crave).
Anyhow, from that point until bedtime, I didn't feel like an ex-smoker creeping up on 2 weeks, but like a smoker who was denying his craves. I tried
most of my crave/urges defenses I've learned here, but it was like there was 2 of me. The talkative, educated side of me speaking a long monologue of
defenses, and the junky, who just really wasn't in the mood to hear. In fact, I felt like I was the junky, and the voice of the reasonable side sounded
distant and far away.
At this point I realized that yesterday at least, the defenses and the celebrations of being nicotine free and all the joys that entails just weren't
going to offer any comfort. And, I think that's what I was looking for. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to feel like the positive empowered person
I've generally been since about day 6. But, it just wasn't going to happen. I heard the reasons, but they didn't sink past the outer levels of
my reasoning.
SO, I resigned myself to the fact that yesterday wasn't going to be fun. Reached in the pocket, and pulled out the trump card -- "I ain't gonna
smoke today," I said. Simple, effective. It doesn't matter that my junky mind is (for the moment) winning the debate over how good or bad
cigarettes taste, and over how good or bad the experience of smoking is, my reasonable ex-smoker side has veto power. Since quitting, that side took custody
of my wallet, hands and mouth. Without those 3 assets, the junky side has only the power to make me feel rotten; but not to relapse.
The reasonable side knew that "I ain't gonna smoke today" was the final word, and spoke it. End of debate. Like a parent to an unreasonable
child throwing a tantrum, "BECAUSE I SAID SO!". So, the junky sulked for the rest of the night, screaming, and stomping and generally annoying me,
but had no power to touch my quit.
Today (day 14) is better so far. Another wonderfully clear (if a bit cold for Santa Cruz) day. The bold child seems to have forgotten last night's
tantrum, and has resumed playing by the rules. I celebrate "half-green" tonight.
Best to all,
Bob
Your statement "didn't feel like an exsmoker creeping up on 2 weeks but like a smoker who
was denying his craves" That is exactly what you are a smoker who is denying his craves!!
There is really only ONE of you and that is the
addicted nicotine junky but the education you are receiving is trying to take over. LET IT.
You have no nicotine in your system. These are junky thoughts. Nicodemon is stalking you and
you need to fire away. Tell him you will not SMOKE TODAY. Tomorrow will take care of itself. You sounded better at the end of your post and I hope you
keep that resolve to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF. You're doing great. Keep it up.
Cathy - GOLD CLUB
I
had a similar thing happen to me on 12/21/01, the day we broke for the Christmas Holiday. I always leave the office at 11:50 on this one day of the year.
Everyone who has kids brings them into work to see Mr. and Mrs. Claus. Many of us bring in food. I bring in a cheese ball. I have done the above for one
morning out of every year for the last three years. I had been quit for a little over a month at that point. Had mastered the trigger of leaving the office
at the end of the day and not lighting up.
) I think you will feel some guilt about taking this
shortcut. While you feel huge satisfaction from winning the day yesterday, your intellect will not allow you to do it that way too often. That's fine,
you won't need to. The single and absolute priority for the first few weeks is just to protect your quit at any cost, any way you can.
After that, you have to allow a new, natural, smoke-free life develop, and that's the bit that will need the education, the intellectual satisfaction,
the continual justification.
So it was back to the radiator guy today - and it's still not fixed! So I had to drive the car home again with the meter on hot again!!
**trigger.trigger** Fantasy No## Mirigirl as as free and
easy motorbike rider travelling all over the countryside - no worries -no responsibilities - just free to stop and have a cigarette now and then!???
I may not be groovey anything, but at least I'm not playing
russian roulette with my life.
And it's real warm here 
so I'm off for a swim!
It's good to be alive and free.
