Hello Everyone,
I am so happy to have found you through this wonderful Website. What an amazing ride this has been.
My last cigarette was 8:00 pm on February 15th, 2007. I am 48 years old and have been a smoker since I was 13. I am perhaps a bit unique in that I have been
a closet smoker all of my life. In other words, I snuck cigarettes behind people's backs, living in a strange world of lies. Lying to my family, my
boyfriends, my friends...most everyone. Whenever someone would ask why I smelled like cigarettes I'd lie and tell them I had just been around smokers, or
something like that. I feel nothing but shame for this behavior. And I felt shame at the time, but the addiction for nicotine was always stronger than my
feelings of shame. And why did I lie? Because I hang out with smart, healthy, educated, organic athletic-types who hold a great deal of disdain for smokers.
I have people in my life who make comments like "I hate smokers" not, "I hate smoking". Ouch. Once upon a time I had a boyfriend who
stopped talking to me when he found out (finally) that I smoked. He was furious and didn't understand or even want to understand the struggle I had with
nicotine. My mother slapped me when I was a kid when she caught me smoking (she gave me a gentle admonishment when she found me a joint in my pocket). This
is the world I have been living in.
I also don't smoke consistently...I start, I quit, I "bum" one from a stranger, gradually move up to one pack a month, then to 1/2 pack a day
and then the roller coaster begins again. I used to smoke a lot all week and then promise myself I'd quit on Saturday. Then Monday would arrive and
I'd buy a pack again. This went on for years. I actually quit for about 3 years, and then one day "just wanted to see what it was like to smoke one
cigarette." Ha, as we all know that is a complete delusion! My overiding philosophy had been, "quitting is easy, I've done it hundreds of
times." Hey, there's always next week to quit...
What is so amazing about this quit, this 10-day old quit, is that I finally, FINALLY understand what it really takes to quit. It's quite simple,
really. I understand that I cannot cheat and smoke one or even smoke a puff, or "bum" one from someone. I finally understand that in order to quit,
you have to go all the way and not take in any nicotine at all. None. Other cessation programs tell you it's okay to fall off the wagon, that each time
you try to quit you get closer to the "real" one. Now I see that I have been deluding myself with that approach. It is simply wrong. The reformed
alcoholics who have gone through AA understand that they cannot even have one drink. They get it, but they are different, right? They are addicted, but we
are not! Smoking cigarettes is just a bad "habit."
I need the rule of Not One More Puff to keep me in place. I need to know that I cannot come back here if I even so much as have one puff. It's amazing
how this approach has effected me. It's like a two-year old needing structure and rules. As long as they understand "no" and what the
consequences are for breaking the rules, they cooperate. My "inner child/inner smoker" needs those same parameters. Break the rule and you're
done!
I have now had an epiphany around this, really. I feel so truly free from this insanity in a way I have never before experienced, in all of my past quits. I
plan to return here daily to read your personal stories, your successes and your guiding words. I appreciate your honesty so much. Anyone who wants to offer
input, suggestions, advice, support, etc. to me please feel free to do so.
Reasons for wanting to quit:
To live a longer life, to live a healthier life filled with energy and stamina; to live without a cough, a racing heart or palpitations; to be free from the
constant quest for the next 'hit'; to live with more self-esteem; and to live honestly.
Thank you all for reading this and being there.
Andi

