My name is Amy and I am a proud ex-smoker for more than 3 weeks now.
My first cigarette was at age 11, with a friend the same age who already smoked. We bought a pack for $1.00 at a local pharmacy. I didn't immediately
become a habitual smoker until I was 14, which was 20 years ago. I've spent more of my life as a smoker than a non-smoker. How sobering.
I have 2 children - twins - and I didn't quit during my pregnancy. I cut down, but only because I didn't want to get caught smoking while prgnant,
so I only did it on the sly. To this day my husband believes I quit during the pregnancy. I'm too ashamed to admit otherwise. And the first thing I
did upon returning home from the hospital after they were born was send him to get me a pack. I tried to quit about 6 months ago, on their 5th birthday. I
couldn't last a day.
I never truly thought I could successfully stop smoking. I knew it was killing me, and I wanted to be a non-smoker, but I didn't want to not smoke. The
cigarette was my accessory - part of my personality. I used it to punctuate the story I was telling, and used it as non-verbal expression - to be dismissive
or aggressive or funny or sexy. It gave me an excuse to leave a room or a conversation - "excuse me, I'm stepping outside for a smoke" - or to
end an argument - "I'm so angry at you that I have to leave this conversation to go smoke" - or just to get a few breaks in the middle of the
workday. I thought smoking was so ingrained in everything that I did that it seemed implausible that I could ever stop.
But there was always so much shame. I always hid it from my kids, and my parents and the rest of my family. I would have to admit to people at work who saw
me outside the building that yes, I smoke, yes, I know it's disgusting, yes, I really should quit. And I felt bad about myself every time. How does a
person actively pursue something that makes them feel so bad about themselves???
I don't know what pushed me over the edge. I got a scrip for Zyban from my doctor, which my company's health insurance covers, and that gave me the
courage to start the quit. But as soon as I found Freedom - the first quit day - I stopped taking the Zyban. And here's the amazing part - the
withdrawal wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Or maybe it was bad, but I was so proud of myself for every crave I conquered, that the good feeling
I felt for every successul moment was so much more powerful to me than the desire to smoke.
I'm learning so much at WhyQuit.com and Freedom. About addiction. About how I really DON'T like smoking, I just liked my drug. About how nothing in
this life is EVER made easier with a cigarette.
I don't want the shame. I'll never accept it again.
I'm glad to have this forum to share the journey, so many other strong people to learn from and maybe even inspire.
Amy
Living free -- without shame for Twenty Four Days, 18 Hours and 59 Minutes.
446 drug delivery sticks rejected.
1 Day and 13 Hours and $139.59 richer.
446 drug delivery sticks rejected.
1 Day and 13 Hours and $139.59 richer.

