Hi, everyone! My name is Cathy and I am on day 9 of my Final Quit. This is my first post/diary entry and I hope I do not ramble on. I applied for membership during the wee hours of this morning, after reading through the night on WhyQuit.com to help me through intense craves I've been having for about three days now. While driving to work later this morning I cried in anticipation/worry about being approved for membership. At this point in my quit, in addition to intense craves, I am struggling with my nicotine-free dreams and goals, so to want something that badly is very intimidating for me. I have allowed my nicotine addiction to slam and/or keep closed to me so many doors over many, many years. I've only recently realized how pessimistic I've become about the possibility of experiencing positive, nicotine-free changes in my life; applying for membership on WhyQuit.com took a lot of courage and optimism I didn't even know I possessed. When I got to work and checked my new hotmail account and discovered my membership had been approved, I felt so exhilarated, like I had accomplished such a fantastic feat!!! I've had to wait all day to come home and make the time to write and post this first entry.
First of all I want to thank Joel for putting together this forum and for providing such a life-saving opportunity for me and so many other people who sincerely want to stop feeding their nicotine addiction but who lack the knowledge and support to do so. I can barely believe I have gone nine days without even one puff from a cigarette. In 32 years I have never accomplished this much. It is the knowledge that I have gained from WhyQuit.com to understand the difference between a habit and an addiction and the uncompromising level of commitment it is going to take to find freedom from the irrational and unhealthy demands of a life that is controlled by nicotine: NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF.
I also want to thank all of the members who have succeeded in quitting their nicotine addiction on a long-term basis and continue to return to offer support and guidance to "newbies." I've gained so much strength from reading your posts and I am honored that you would take the time to read what we write and later offer your words of support and encouragement to us. I value your insights and experience and I welcome everything you have to share about making it through this very intense time of withdrawal and cravings and later, to live and enjoy a nicotine-free life. Membership in this forum is very important to me because you all feel like you are my family and I cherish the spirit under which we have been drawn together.
As I said, I am struggling with my deep-rooted pessimism about the possibility of experiencing positive, nicotine-free changes in my life. I suspect that a lot of the pessimism is really "stinking thinking" that has been a part of my mindset for a very long time. I have smoked 1 pack a day for 32 years, with countless failed attempts to quit smoking that included behavioral modification and/or nicotine cessation programs. The final blow seems to have come when a very dear friend of mine died on February 7, 2005 of bladder cancer. Following radical bladder removal surgery in late November 2004, my daughter and I moved in with her to help care for her animals and home while she tried to recuperate from the surgery. Her health deteriorated rapidly and she died in a hospice hardly 2 months after surgery. Her quick death was such a shock to me, as my friend had acted like the surgery was the cure-all to her cancer, and she remained in denial about her rapidly deteriorating health after the surgery. I later learned that, although she had quit smoking (4 packs a day for forty years) in 1992, she refused to ever see a doctor and ignored symptoms over the years until she was diagnosed with Stage IV bladder cancer shortly before her radical surgery. The whole experience was horrific to me, first because I love my friend very much and I did not want or expect her to die, especially so quickly, and then because it gave me a first-hand experience of the consequences of nicotine addiction and cigarette smoking and an illogical, arrogant attitude of immortality. I have been soul-searching since that terrible time, desperate for a way out of my nicotine addiction, for my sake, for my daughter's sake, and for the sake of everyone else who knows and loves me. I attempted a cold turkey quit in July but I did not understand NTAP and so that quit consisted of a 3-week long sickening withdrawal experience that I could not bear. I've since done a lot of reading on WhyQuit.com and, determined to quit one final time, I smoked my last cigarette on 1/17 and spit out the nicotine gum at 8am on 1/18, and here I am, very worn for the wear but nicotine free in spite of all of it.
These past three days have been very difficult for me because of the intensity of the craves and the truths that have evolved while going through them. I recently realized that I am not just addicted to nicotine, I am an addict. That reality just stunned me. I have cried a lot over it and it is something that I am having to come to terms with on a lot of levels and it is very difficult for me to do. I am experiencing intense feelings of grief, anger, and shame about it. I think it is a shining example of how deep denial can reach when a person who freely admitted she was addicted to nicotine for 32 years never once considered she was an addict. Right now that makes no sense to me but it seems to have made a whole lot of sense for 32 years because not once did it ever cross my mind to be otherwise. If anyone can offer any insights or encouragement on the topic of being an addict I would really welcome it. I know that a part of the intensity of my craves these past three days has to do with coming to terms with this. When I set the goal of quitting, it was to overcome this addiction, not to discover the addict in me. Facing that also brings on a lot of fear and panic and vulnerability, all of which have to be dealt with for the first time in 32 years without the numbing comfort of nicotine. It's a vicious circle, really.
The next struggle I am having is facing the newness of a nicotine-free lifestyle. It's so unknown to me and I feel lost and unsure about what to do next. I had a lot of nicotine-free dreams and goals but they are confusing to me now because I don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be. Has anyone else experienced this during the beginning part of their quit? I would welcome your insights!!
Well, I have so much more to say but I am quite tired. I am very grateful for the privilege of posting this message to all of you. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you all for just being out there; it brings me great comfort and hope just knowing that you are.
Peace to everyone.

