Hello everyone...been lurking for several days, finally figured out how to become a member.
I was in such a fog those first few days.
I read how to join, then promptly forgot everything the next day when I came on again to join. But some dear soul responded to my (second) request to
join with instructions on how to do it, and here I am. Joining this group was one of my goals after 72 hours, so I'm glad I made it.
This is the third time in my life that I've quit smoking. I'm now 40 years old, and I don't want to ever do
that to myself again -- the smoking, I mean. It makes me so sad sometimes that I spent so
long running from myself, stuffing my sadness and fears and worries, and inhaling low self esteem and self contempt, and yes, death.
Six years ago, after being smoke free for five years, I picked up my old "friend"
nicotine, after my now ex-husband and I separated. It was the first thing I turned to for relief (anybody surprised??). Two years ago, after a few years
of trying to be together again, we separated again and finally divorced. Now, almost a year after the divorce, I want to be free of everything that holds
me back, and being addicted to nicotine keeps me stuck in so many ways.
Anyway, I found this site several months ago, bookmarked it, visited a few times, finally just
deleted the bookmark, knowing I wasn't ready. But I was suffering. I wanted to quit so badly, but I was terrified of the
withdrawal. You know? I never smoked in the house, but I would go out on the porch in all kinds of weather and suck one down, and my kids would watch me
through the window and worry about me dying (sometimes I hated the public school health curriculum -- can you imagine??).
And I hated the way I smelled, the insanity of paying $5 a pop to kill myself, how embarrassed I was
in front of the store clerk and the people in line behind me. I hated the way it made me feel, and how my thinking changed after that first cigarette of
the day. I hated knowing I was an addict, but was terrified of withdrawal (I'd done it before and it was not pretty). I hated how much I felt like an
outcast -- nobody in my inner circle smokes -- gee, nobody in my town smokes, except in the closet, if you know what I mean. You
don't stand on street corners around here and puff away -- you hide it, you sneak, you lie.
Honestly? I felt like a total loser because I smoked.
Because I knew that no matter what I did in my life, no matter how great my career was, or how
emotionally stable my kids might be, or how "spiritual" I was, or how organized my house was, or what a good friend or mother I was, it was all a
lie, because I was a loser and an addict. You know?? Because what I believed and valued was nullified by what I did to myself every day -- ingested an
addictive substance that changed the way I thought and felt, and was slowly sucking the life out of me, literally and figuratively.
And now, because I believe that I can, and because this time it was an "educated quit,"
and because I "cared for my quit," and because I want to "go home" to myself, I'm on day 9 of being smoke free. And it feels
totally awesome to be on this journey again. It reminds me of that saying, "If we are heading in the right direction, all we need to do is keep on
walking."
Today was probably the hardest day, for some reason. I've had to remind myself that I am not
nicotine deficient -- that I am not MISSING it as a biological need. It's just relief from daily stress I'm looking for. And I keep hearing,
"Don't debate with yourself whether you want that cigarette, ask yourself if you're ready to go back to your old level of consumption."
And because I don't ever want to go back to that, I have just breathed through those thoughts. So here I am, posting my first diary
entry, feeling kind of silly and like I've said too much, and yet, this is what I needed -- to remind myself that it's normal and ok to have a bad
day, and as I read the other day, "I'd rather be an ex-smoker with an occasional desire to smoke than a smoker who longs to quit every day but
can't."
There's so much more to say, but I guess I'll save it for another day.....
SO glad to be here....!!! And I am honored to be among you, and grateful to have survived Glory Week.

