Well, it's been just over a week and I haven't taken a puff. It's been rough. The initial withdrawal was a nightmare, glad it's over, but I really think this is the worst part. I'm a non-smoker. I'll never take another puff. This is reality...it's great. It's also depressing.
My anger is at its peak. In fact, I've been losing my temper more than ever....even with people that I really need to be polite to, such as heads of departments. :o
Today I really might have done myself in at work. I deal directly with people in very high up positions. Well, today one of them was giving me a hard time. Now, if the fault had been mine, I would have taken the blame, and everything she was putting me through, and not complained. Unfortunately, this time, the fault was with her. She was being very irrational, demanding, etc. I lost it. I wrote back a very nasty email. Granted, I was right....everything I said was the truth. However....the fact that I lost control instead of calmly (and politely) dealing with the situation is a bit frightening.
I've always struggled with depression...always. Smoking, I think, numbed my feelings a bit. Now they're back in full force and I don'tknow how to handle them.
I screamed at a woman on the train. She was smacking gum in my ear. Usually I ignore things like that. This time, though, I wailed on her for what must have been 5 minutes straight.
But it gets worse. I almost smacked someone square in the face.
A woman made a nasty comment about my weight. She really tore into me...laughed mockingly with her friend. Usually I ignore things like that, albiet with much difficulty. This time, though, I could no longer ignore it. I screamed at her, hissed through gritted teeth, stepped towards her....and finally excused myself before I really lost control. Honestly, I was at HIGH risk of losing control. I was, and that scares me.
In the past, in a situation such as this, I'd have a smoke to calm down; I'd numb my anger....hatred even. Now, though, without my drug of choice, I have to experience those emotions. I don't know how to deal. It's scary, since these are things we all have to deal with in society. Nasty, hateful people are everywhere, and we all must learn how to deal with them.
I just don't know how without my vice. And I'm afraid that I'm becoming one of them.
Any advice would be much appreciated.