For some reason I have been having some intense cravings and urges in the past few days. I even cried to my best friend on the phone about it last night. I always believed that smoking a cigarette was a part of who I am. Even when I would quit before I felt like I was missing a part of me. As I stated in my very first post, I really thought smoking made me look cool. At some point this year I started to change my mind about that. I started to think that being so insecure that I took up a deadly addiction in order to compensate is pathetic and nothing to feel good about. But I think a lot of ex smokers relapse because they miss whatever it did for them on that level. Never taking another puff may be the only way to actually beat the addiction, but if someone is unhappy with themselves, then what is going to stop them ever taking one? Well, I don't know what's happening in my head these past few days to make me so edgy, but I thought it best if I posted here to ask for help with what I am feeling however silly it may seem to some instead of caving in and walking across the street to the liquor store for a pack of smokes. The truth is that there are some moments when I am not feeling very good about myself despite the pride I can feel for being this strong so far. The temptation to smoke and give myself that tragically tortured artist look all over again has started haunting me, and I feel so stupid and ashamed about it, I just wish it would go away. I think the initial rush of quitting has left me alone with myself, and although my cravings are not physical they are deeply mental. I don't want to smoke again. I really don't. So why then, does it still appear somewhat attractive from this angle, from this distance and in this moment? Or rather, can someone remind me why it is so absolutely not cool to smoke? Why this rebel image I have burned into my memory is not the whole story? Why if I do it I will regret it? The addiction has been pulling out every trick card to do the opposite. I swear it's like having one of those persistent little cartoon devils on my shoulder and I need some strength and clarity now please if anyone is out there.
-Ginger (3 weeks 2 days 23 hours 43 minutes. I have not smoked 479 stupid things)