I just learned a hard lesson. Nearly one month ago I posted this message The Honeymoon is over? I was struggling and could not figure out why. I have been pondering what could be happening to suddenly cause me to start contemplating a cigarette again. Why were the thoughts more frequent? Why did the idea of smoking a cigarette seem appealing again. Why was I looking to run and hide again behind the invisible curtain of nicotine addiction? What outside force, influence, problem, stress was causing me to flinch in the face of my addiction to nicotine. I thought long and hard. I wanted the answer to come to me and it did.
As soon as I stopped looking outside of myself and looked inward I found my answer. It was ME! I was the one making my quit more difficult. Oh it started out innocently enough. I jokingly said to my wife - "Man, I could use a cigarette." while pondering a problem with the remodel of my kitchen. Then it became a running joke. "If I were a smoker, this would be a great time for a smoke." I did not realize at the time of my "Honeymoon" post that this was causing my problem. I thought my sudden cravings were causing me to make those statements not vice versa
When I was a young boy, I would sometimes walk around the house making faces. Boys just do silly things like that - I don't know why. My mother would say, "If you don't stop that, your face is going to freeze in that position." Well, my face never froze but I dare say that If I don't stop making a joke of my sobriety, I may get frozen in time and find it difficult to continue to grow. I am not saying that you have to be a stiff about your nicotine free life, just the opposite. Being free of nicotine is immeasurably better and more fun than being actively addicted but taking my freedom lightly was a huge mistake. I was planting the seeds of my discontent.