Hello everyone! Well, I am on day 9 of my quit.... so here is a little bio.....
I smoked my first cigarette at 6 years old and would smoke on and off throughout my childhood. I didn't start smoking on a regular basis until age 18, but have remained a steady smoker for the past 13 years. On a daily basis, I smoked at least a pack and sometimes closer to two. I have asthma and have developed a nasty cough. One of the most amazing women in my life (my stepmom) was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Smoking lost it's allure and started to give me extreme anxiety. I started wondering how I would feel if I was told I only had a limited amount of time to live, when smoking was something that was in my control. I became so anxious at night when I would lie in my bed and wheeze. I knew I had to make a change.
I have two beautiful girls. My oldest is almost five and recently asked if she could smoke a cigarette. Right then and there, it dawned on me that I was only one year older than her when I smoked my first cigarette. I didn't want to set that example for her and I was tired of taking time away from my girls to go sit on the patio and smoke while they sat inside watching tv or playing by themselves. I would get winded while singing lullabies at night and I couldn't breathe while trying to keep up with them at the park.
I have to say that it has not been an easy 9 days, as I am definitely going through the grieving process. I feel very depressed and agitated, with little patience for anything. I feel as though I have given up my best friend (albeit, one that was trying to kill me) and feel somewhat lost. I was motivated and encouraged during the first week, but this week I wonder if, and when, life will feel normal again.
When I feel a craving approaching, I put my 9 month old in the stroller and we take off. It is refreshing to be able to actually breathe while I'm taking a walk, and I actually managed to jog a little bit yesterday. I am nowhere near ready to give up, but I can't help but wonder if life will feel joyous again, and if so, when? I am very proud of myself as I will not turn around and go back, but I just want to feel happy again.....
Sorry to have such a depressing first entry, but it's the way I'm feeling today. When the rain passes, I'll throw my little one in the stroller and be amazed at how much easier I can breathe, and embrace all of the smells of flowers along our walking path that I couldn't even smell before. I will take a deep breath and listen to the wonderful sound of no wheezing, and I will know that all of this sadness will pass and my life will be normal again.